you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
