I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
