In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
