I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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