Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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