Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
