I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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