Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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