Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
