The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
