I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just invented taco cereal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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