by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
