this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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