so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
