just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
