so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
