mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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