Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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