the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
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saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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