I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
