Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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