well you can't waste a boner
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
