she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
