I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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