We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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