I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
