I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
