Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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