I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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