just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
