I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
