I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
