I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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