I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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