And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
