i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
