there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
