We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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