can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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