He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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