She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
