Do vagina's smell?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You have to summon your inner elephant
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
