Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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