That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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