My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
