I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
