My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
