I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
