hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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