I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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