after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
