Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
