bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Randomize
