Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
