I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
