When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
