Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
