Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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