You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
