Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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