I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
this boner is exhausting
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
