John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
